friday’s post of cool stuff #44: gone to the punk rock dogs

well, it’s that time of year again. time when you realize your new year resolutions have bit the dust like a drunken trip over a hay bale at gtp’s, and mad poet trent convinces some poor sucker to build a bike for him. this time, it’s robert elswick, and it’s not for me. it’s for dogs.

yes, dogs. after spending some time messaging with respected madman william covert on facebook last week, we came up with the idea that i should build a metric chopper with a small dirt bike engine like they do in southeast asia.

trent: “well, i can’t just do that this time. i have to give the proceeds to something i believe in.”
william: “i’ll get it to daytona and in tropical tattoo’s party! we’ll have a raffle!”
trent: “f**k yeah!”

then we talked about vengeance and reprisals to those who have wronged us. it was great. may the lord have mercy upon our souls.

so there we have it, ladies and motherf***ers. elswick cycles is going to transform this 1979 honda xl250 dirt bike they bought yesterday for $150 into a slick little chopper one has yet to see in the states.

one thing is to be sure, the skills of the elswick family will be displayed as the perfectionist men they are. robert, jamie and zach are looking forward to this in a big way. instead of just getting some kickass parts from them, mr. elswick and crew will do the whole she-bang. i’ve known him long enough and seen his parts in person to know everything will be square and tight. the elswick family has supported bikerMetric in a big way and i seek to give it back. let this bike show they are more than xs and trump frame builders. they are a complete shop where you can have anything done. anything. even crazy trent stuff.

humility isn’t my strong suit, but when i mentioned that i was thinking of building another bike, robert said he wanted to be involved and went out the next day to buy this old machine as a donor. wow. humility happens. thank you, robert.

what will it look like? that’s up to robert and me to decide. i want it to be a legal and simple-to-operate eyeball grabber worth a $5 raffle ticket. a bar hopper. an off-road tracker. a do-anything, go-anywhere machine. like a good dog; happy at your feet, thrilled to go for a ride, and jumping through marshes and weeds to get that bird or rat.

we will be donating part of the proceeds to a the arizona cocker rescue. this is where i adopted my beloved turbodog (pictured here with his rope, always offered to me when i arrive home). i described him when i wrote of the capabilities of the bike we want to build. we may choose another rescue to help as well.

feel free to email (trent at bikerMetric.com) or comment below if you have a favorite dog rescue you believe in.

so that’s one of the cool things going down on bikerMetric right now. the other is an interview you will be surprised to discover. that is all i can say about it. i guarantee you won’t see it coming.

i am out to prove there is a method to my madness and all who doubt the power of a man’s will ought to get out of the way. or give me money. that’s what i want. money makes you free. ish…

one thing is for sure, the freedom or dog bike won’t be a:

tried to save the trees. bought a platsic bag. the bottom fell out. it was a piece of ****!
PIECE OF ****!
saw it on the tube. bought it on the phone. now you’re home alone. it’s a piece of ****!
PIECE OF ****!
went to buy an lp. the guy had cds. so digitally clean. it was a piece of ****!
PIECE OF ****!
PIECE OF ****!
got it from a friend. on him you can depend. i found out in the end it was a piece of ****!
PIECE OF ****!
i’m trying to save the trees. i saw it on tv. they cut the forest down to build a piece of ****!
PIECE OF ****!
PIECE OF ****!
i went back to the store. they gave me four more. the guy told me at the door, it was a piece of ****!
PIECE OF ****!

PIECE OF ****!

[EDIT 02.29.12: after that song, in an ironic twist of fate, it is apparent that elswick cycles are no longer in business. the sites who used to sell their products no longer do, their flakebook and blog pages haven’t been updated in a year, and i’ve heard a few stories of folks who purchased things from them to never see it arrive. i do not know what happened and took their banners down four months ago when the bike they were so keen on building with me never materialized. i apologize to anybody who read great things about them here but were eventually ripped off. what i got from them was great and it saddens me to see they disappeared. feces occurs, it seems. maybe one day i’ll get to build that bike and do as i wanted, and donate the proceeds to dog rescues. until then, peace out, metric mofos.]

i know what some of us believe is not true. what some of us say is not kind. what some of us do is look out for ourselves in a time when we should be helping, and be helped. that way the bankers and corporations win. f**k them. i still seek their ****** demise because sometimes lies, intimidation, and selfishness turn into truth, friendship, and community. it’s an interesting theoretical mathematical conundrum i am contemplating lately.

got that vid from william. thanks, motherf***er!

oh yes. and f**k and motherf***er have returned. i might be on a sober kick right now but as the punk rock math man tom above says, “dominant social, economic and media power structures…. hey. f**k you!”

two weeks ago a post here got 16 comments. i slam one of the most beloved players in motorcycle history yesterday and nothing but a couple of facebook replies? i said everything that needed to be said? really? wow. no wonder i am king of the custom metric motorbike world.

oh, and i’m really digging the new social d record. the next person or company who pays money to advertise on bikerMetric means i’m buying the disc. i haven’t bought a record since audioslave.

f**k. i’m a stodgy old fart.

regardless, every person who clicks to listen to the new social distortion record reduces the cost of the final album. yeah. take that, greedy corporate conglomerations!

what was that about anger and community, again? did i write anger? pfft. who cares. most of you just look at the pictures and move on as i grapple with some incomprehensible mathematical theory of *** and death, *** and reality, beer and BJs.

oooo. i am resisting getting all metaphysical on your *****. i usually do it with grafix containing esoteric symbols unbeknownst to you. suckers! i am programming you! soon you will hurt all bankers. muah ha ha ha ha!

or at least laugh with me in a bar in new orleans. you know which one. the ForD will be parked on the sidewalk in front.

hey! did you know who makes cool metal stuff like chain tensioners? jon at monster craftsman, that’s who. he does a lot more than just chain tensioners, his specialty. if you get something from him, tell him i sent you, and that i said you’d get a t-shirt, too.

while we’re on the path of cool stuff, i’d like to introduce you all to len. he is a masterful wood worker in the pacific northwest and creates beautiful doors, gates, furniture, complete buildings, and asian-inspired adornments for gardens. due to his being a “grumpy old man shaking his cane at those whippersnappers in bearskin coats racing around in their horseless carriages yelling twenty three skidoo,” he is not a follower, but he stops by often and emails me. thanks len. you rock.

a few others have decided regular updates from bM would be nifty. the first was REYNAL WorkS from kyoto. check out his blog at reynalworks.

another metric motorbike member is Emmet OConnell. can’t tell you anything about him except he likes being photographed wearing black highway patrol sunglasses under fluorescent light.

and yesterday, or some time before i woke at the crack of noon, Juan Carlos clicked that button that made him blah blah blah… i need to figure out new smartassed remarks about paranoia. whatever. juan is pretty involved in the modern garage-built motorbike scene. he either runs or is partnered in a few blogs, and my favorite is suicide wheels. i like it because the first post i saw there today was about beer. then there were a lot of posts about beer. then i realized they were all about miller high life, the champagne of beers. if only. it’s a working man’s brew. thanks for coming along for the crazy f***ing ride, juan. don’t be a stranger.

you’re only as strong as your weakest link. who are you? do you really want to click this link? go ahead. i dare you.

now kill, my pretties! muah ha ha ha hack ahhh cough choke ack! s**t man, this evil laughter thing isn’t as easy as it looks!

some of these images have been floating around this week. they are triumph motorcycle parts turned into furniture. how f***ing gay. hipster s**t for city kids. my buddy sose posted them on the bikerMetric facebook page almost a week before everybody picked them up. i wasn’t sure you mofos would dig, and maybe you don’t, but i know you’re smart enough to say “i could do that!” and maybe you will. then when friends walk into your place they’ll say, “hey! that’s f***ing cool, man!” and you’ll say, “yeah. i had a stripper pole and ten rusty mirrors lying around and i needed a hat rack.”

hat rack not shown. instead you get skeleton nipples. yes. the supreme court and a prostitute. because everything you can imagine, and much you cannot, exists between your glorious wet dreams and waking screaming nightmares.

she is so getting boned later.